Hell Starts Here : Welcome to Tarkov
That is it. I am out of Tarkov. I still remember the days when I was a total noob : running around like a headless chicken, jumping everywhere, playing without a headset, drinking my water before eating my croutons, and trying to shove incompatible mags into my rifles… But that was before.
How did it all begin ? That is exactly what we are going to dive into right now.
3 Years of Resistance... then the Fall
"Come play with us !"
3 years. 3 long years that Tox and Obli have been nagging me to join them in Tarkov. But no way. My stubborn head and I always said no. The game seemed too frustrating, too slow to learn, the mechanics felt clunky, and the graphics were honestly nothing to write home about. And don't get me started on the gear... Stashing things inside things, inside other things… oh boy… I knew I was going to love that.
« If you place your magazine horizontally, you can fit it into your tactical vest, which fits into your backpack, which fits into your stash case…. »
And I have to mention the quests… "Go find me 5 cans of tuna, 10 meat pies, 8 packs of pasta, and 1 chorizo". I might love a good meal, but this is painful.
Anyway, duty calls. I installed the game and jumped into a raid with my two buddies, who have way too many hours under their belts. At least I had two Chad Sherpas to guide and protect me. The first raid took 12 minutes to load. I lasted 58 seconds (true story) before a Sylvester Stallone lookalike, geared to the teeth, sniped me right in the head from 80 meters away. Black screen, back to the menu. Great experience.
💾 "Welcome to Tarkov" they told me. "Don't worry, it's normal, that is just the game".
The First Casualties : My Sanity and My Brain Cells
Inventory, or How to Go Insane
Fine, it's okay, it's not the first time I've been wrecked in a game. Back to the inventory. Hmm, which weapon should I take ? There are 10 different ones, 2x4 slots, 2x5 slots, tons of pistols, a knife, an axe, grenades, oh my… I'll just pick one at random. They make me take the right ammo, the medkit, the splint for fractures, the bandage for bleeding… the whole package. Great, I ate my croutons before drinking again, so I am starting the raid thirsty. Perfect.
Fast loading this time, only 8 minutes to find a match. Alright, we are on the Customs map, heading to the "Dorms", a building where players often clash. I follow my buddies, staying a few meters behind. "Click".
- "What was that click ?"
- "Ruuuuuuuuuun !"
BLAM. Sent straight to duckling heaven. It was a grenade trap. AWESOME. Up until then, I was still sane. I wait for the bros to finish so we can start another one. In the meantime, I open my inventory again and start organizing. I am a Tetris pro, so I begin stacking everything perfectly. Filling the gaps, maximizing every slot… perfect. Now half my stash is empty, I've lost a brain cell in real life, but I am ready for more !
Baptism by Fire (and bullets that don't penetrate anything)
They finished, we reload. This time, they brought me gear, much better than mine. They drop it right at the start of the raid. I put it on, and SUDDENLY, I feel like a Chad like them. I have a heavily modded AR-15 with a massive scope, top-tier ergonomics, plenty of mags, and real ammo this time—the kind that actually penetrates. Because until now, I was shooting bullets that couldn't pierce anything but wet paper. GREAT JOB DEVS, THANK YOU FOR CREATING AMMO THAT DOES LITERALLY NOTHING.
Back to the "Dorms". They set me up in a good spot to hold a line. Chaos ensues, shots everywhere. The guys across from us were using tracer rounds ; it looked like Star Wars in the dark. Anyway, we crushed them ! (Well, the bros crushed them, I was mostly decoration). However, I took a hit. But thanks to my "NC-125-SPIF69 Z" armor, I tanked it and I am still aliiiiiiive ! YAAAAAAY !
Wait, I am bleeding out ! HELP !
⚠️ "Use a CMS, then a Calok, then an AFAK"
Me, panicking : Calok, AFAK, CMS
- "It's not working !"
- "You didn't do it in the right order, hurry up or you're dead !"
I redo everything in the right order, blood splattered all over the screen, starting to talk to myself. Phew, saved. I'm healed. But everything is blurry.
"Guys ? My vision is blurry and my screen is turning black."
"It's nothing, you're just hungry. Do you have food on you ?"
"Wait, I have to bring croutons into a gunfight ?? Where are we ?"
"Well yeah, as long as your character is low level, you'll get hungry and thirsty fast in raid……"
The Spiral Downward : When Tarkov Takes Control
Water at 12,500 Roubles and Sugar pricier than a Rifle
That was the final straw. A bottle of water bought from Therapist the medic ! Over 12,500 roubles for a bottle ?? WHAT ? AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE SUGAR ? SUGAR THAT COSTS MORE THAN A RIFLE ?
« No but you see, it's a hyper-advanced simulation, everything is mega-realistic… »
THEN IS MY SCAV A CHICKEN ?
OH MY GOOOOOOD, from that point on, I spiraled. I started organizing my real-life fridge based on my milk carton taking up 2 vertical slots and 1 horizontal. I calculated that I could stack more socks in my drawer if I put them in a bag bought from Ragman (another vendor). I don't run anymore because my neighbors might hear noise in the stairs. And have you seen my neighbor ? HE ALWAYS GOES OUT WITH A BACKPACK. HE IS A REAL-LIFE SCAV ! He goes out to loot tuna every single day.
The Ordeal Continues : Extracts, Mines, and Betrayals
Alright, I let the night pass and went back in solo the next day. I opened the map with SCAV extracts displayed to find my way (the exit points). I'm looting everything ! Finally ! Is this fun ? No, still nooooooot but at least I filled my bag like a big boy ! I even have valuables inside. Oh man, I can feel the CHAD rising in me. I reach the extract. I did it. I finally succeeded in my Tarkov life. The countdown starts… 5…4…3…2…1…0. Loading the next map. I messed up, I took a transit exit, I'm going to end up on a new map. GREAT. THANKS. THE ORDEAL CONTINUES. THE GAME WANTS ME DEAD.
Breathe. You just survived a map, you're pumped. I open the map on my 2nd screen to see the REAL exits. Loading finished, I pop into the raid.
I'm at the back of "Reserve", a map with a bit of everything. I see a SCAV right in front of me, an ally. He gestures and says something in Russian. Then he raises his gun at me. I realize something is wrong. HEADSHOT. I'm dead. Some SCAVS are not your allies. PIECE OF TRASH GAME ! HELP !
🕹️ That'll teach me. That'll teach me to launch solo. Fine. I've seen worse. I reload on Lighthouse, another map I studied the day before with one of the Chad buddies. I see a watchtower and decide to go for it. Suddenly, a PMC (human player) peeks me. Gunfire everywhere. I hide behind a car, shoot back, he hides, I make a pro-gamer move : immediate flank. BAM, I stepped on 2 mines. Exploded instantly. Dead.
Toxic Addiction : The Mechanics of Forbidden Pleasure
POU PI POU PI POU PIPOUUUUUUUUUU
Hmmm, croutons are so good. I'm starting to enjoy the game. Oh man. You have to appreciate the little things that make you feel good when you're at this stage. Organizing your inventory… Haaaaan, it feels so good to organize that inventory….. and drinking orange juice… after a pleasant moment with your Scavs… haaaan hoooo… it's so satisfying to see a tidy stash, haaaan my inventory, I love you, I truly appreciate you…
Relaunching with the buddies ! BAM, I break both my legs falling off a cliff. Now I'm limping. A bot takes advantage and rushes me with a knife, stabs me once, and runs away. WTF ?
⚠️ "You just ran into a cultist, he poisoned you"
Anyway, I died. I took a break. A deserved one. I took the time to check the prices of a spa because I knew I'd get roughly the same sensations as in-game. They were closed. Damn, nothing is going right in this world. I ran into my neighbor again. He was wearing an Adidas jacket and a shaved head. He was fixing his car. I understood. He had looted a freaking car battery somewhere. I found a tank battery in-game once, but you know what ? YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK WHEN YOU CARRY IT.
Why We Never Have Fun (But Keep Playing Anyway)
The magical thing about this game is that you don't have fun. Like, ever. The only times I laughed were when we did some crazy stuff with the bros. That's it. The game is based on a system so poorly designed, hardcore, tedious to learn, and complicated FOR NOTHING, that you don't have fun. But it's addictive. Because every tiny victory feels good, for ONCE. If you manage to extract with the item you needed for a module in your Hideout (where you build workshops to craft components or boost stats), well, that's a small victory, a little hit of dopamine. You will struggle so much, and I mean it, to find certain things, to complete an objective given by Prapor (one of the vendors), like :
« Go kill 10 PMCs, without dying, with a pair of underwear on your head, no armor, a clown wig, and after drinking 3 bottles of vodka »
When you finally succeed, you'll have the IMPRESSION (heavy word) of having accomplished something incredible. BUT NO ! YOU JUST MANAGED TO BRING BACK YOUR LAST CAN OF TUNA. WOW.
The objective itself isn't necessarily hard to get, but the number of times you'll have to restart, retry, die, redo, re-buy gear to get there, replay the same map 10 times… by the time you succeed, you'll have lost so many brain cells that this micro-dose of "I did it" will turn you into an addict. The ENTIRE game is built on this mechanism.
💡 In an MMORPG, when they tell you to loot 20 claws from goblins, you know where the goblins are. You go there, you might have to kill 200, but you get your claws and move on. Here, not only might what you're looking for not have "spawned" on the map, but other players might have gotten there first, or, quite simply, you'll die trying… and you'll have to repeat the same thing for days…
Yes, sometimes you'll have to play for 5 or 6 days just to find… your jar of mayo. By the way, you know what ? I organize my real-life fridge in a 12x4 grid, with my freezer Pouch below it. I'd need the KAPPA to expand all that. And a Chorizo takes up 2 slots, keep that in mind. THINK ABOUT IT. Otherwise, next time you go grocery shopping, it won't fit, you'll have to stack the apples with the bananas in the bags and…. (pausing here, bubbles are coming out of my ears)
Bushes, Invisible Enemies, and Other Joys
When the Slightest Noise Betrays You
Oh yeah, can we talk about bushes ? They make a deafening noise and stop you dead in your tracks ! A TINY BUSH. You have to avoid everything : branches, bushes, metal sheets, stairs. You REALLY shouldn't run. You must shoot with silencers, avoid "breaching" doors because it wakes up xX_Sasuke_Xx who's been camping there for 20 minutes with his sniper on the 3rd floor behind a window…..
WHEN DO I HAVE FUN ??? Now I know that croutons give you +30 health but give you -10 hydration, I'm losing it. That's why you drink in real life afterwards. You have to eat other things that give you 80 food but don't lower your hydration. And then you're a Chad, okay ?
Epic Fails that Build Character
One time, I forgot my ammo when launching the raid. I emptied my mag and used a weapon looted off a SCAV. A PMC shows up, I fire, there were 5 bullets left in the mag. I got absolutely demolished.
💾 My friends : « Hahaha he loots a gun but doesn't check how many bullets are left in the mag, so funny… »
YADA YADA YADA it's so funny wouuuuuuu « he loots a gun but has no ammo woooo hilarious….. » ,, !,,
Another time, I have my gun, I have my ammo, I shoot at a guy, and MY GUN JAMS !! SERIOUSLY ? I got blasted.
🕹️ My friends : « Yeah, when that happens, you have to press L, then ALT + T »
POU PI POU PI POU PIPOUUUUU
POU PI POU PI POU PIPOUUUUU
The Rebirth : When You Finally Start to Understand
The Small Victories
I took a real break. 2 days. And finally, I stopped putting the cart before the horse.
We relaunched a few raids and actually managed to do things. We managed to kill other players, gorged ourselves in-game, filled our bags, looted tuna, those damn croutons, a car battery, and even a drill. It took me a week to get it. Everything is fine. I got to experiment with some cool stuff : thermal goggles, night vision. Big snipers. Good lines to hold, where I managed to land some sweet headshots on guys who had 6000 hours more than me. Honestly, they all have 6000 hours. They're addicted and can't quit because they finally made it through the punishing stages. So, they stay. Without a specific goal, they just wander the game.
The Final Extraction
I Am Free
As for me, that's it, I successfully exited Tarkov, which is the ONLY goal of the game. I clicked on "Start", then "System Settings", then "Apps – Uninstall".
I am free. I am… out of Tarkov. No more whips to the face. No more nails under my feet. No more twisted fingers. I am free.
Epilogue : Life After Tarkov
I hope I've made you want to install the game and try it. But if that urge hits you, slap yourself first. Then a second time, then a third. Put salt in your mouth to prepare your taste buds. You'll know exactly how you'll feel in Tarkov.
Today, I'm doing better. I bought a bubble wand and I run through the fields blowing into it. I'm not sure if I should have put kerosene in it because the bubbles smell weird, but it feels good. I've calmed down. When I see croutons and pâté in stores, I only have a few flashes of my tortures coming back. I saw my doctor, she prescribed me Morphine and Propital. Anyway, next time I see my neighbor, I'm looting him. He probably has a RAM stick or a graphics card in that damn backpack. And these days….
The Verdict : Escaped from Hell
And if you have games that left a mark on you (or traumatized you), don't hesitate to share in the comments right below !
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